Tyrone Tribulations | News from amongst the bushes

A Castlederg family, steeped in the ice cream business, has set sail from Donegal on a sizeable and fast speedboat for Greenland to annex the island before America tries to.
Cassidy 99ers‘ owner, Kieran Cassidy, has employed a large number of friends and loyal customers, free of charge, to follow behind on an older, slower speedboat, which will arrive a couple of days behind the first crew....

Following recent news that Fivemiletown is on a Russian military target list, a large Russian Clogher-supporting contingent is expected to descend on Croke Park tomorrow to cheer on the Eire Ogs to further intimidate their Fivemiletown neighbours.
It has also been reported that Clogher locals have welcomed Russian penpals in recent weeks in what is seen as a move to make sure that the hit on Fivemiletown is accurate and doesn’t harm their own village....

A Dungannon fencer maintains he couldn’t resist licking and then eating a ball of yellow snow down an alleyway off the main street, but now regrets his actions after contracting a rare stomach bug called Urinas Meltas.
Barry Whitehair, 44, maintains that it looked too refreshing to resist and ‘a bit like frozen banana-flavoured ice cream’, even though logic told him it was unlikely to be that....

A 45-year-old Galbally mechanic has been barred from a well-known hostelry in Galbally after he ordered two pints for his mates and a skinny latte for himself, pointing at a coffee machine that hadn’t been used since being installed in 2017.
John McGormley, who developed a liking for teas and coffees after a holiday in Venice during the summer, was also questioned by local unofficial enforcers regarding his taste in stuff. He narrowly avoided a hiding when his mother turned up and told him...