The Nutmeg News

The Nutmeg News. Football, Soccer, and Football, but not soccer, but it's called Soccer and Football and foooooooooooooootball. Satire, Humor,...

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Thenutmegnews.com news digest

  • 24 days

    In An Effort To Catch Up To Liga MX, Major League Soccer Mandates That Mexican T...

    NEW YORK - In an effort to catch up to Liga MX after an abysmal performance in the CONCACAF Champions Cup, Major League Soccer (MLS) mandated that Mexican teams in the Leagues Cup be forced to use MLS roster rules.
    “Teams like Tigres, Cruz Azul, Monterrey and Club America will be required to adhere to roster rules that we use here in Major League Soccer,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “They will only be allowed 3 designated players, and will be required to...

  • 27 days

    Claiming to Have Gained “Second Sight”, Caleb Porter Guarantees Revolution Will ...

    FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS – Mired in a then-winless season, New England Revolution’s coach Caleb Porter made a bold prediction prior to last weekend’s match against Charlotte FC – promising not only that the Revolution would get a result, but would outright...

  • 27 days

    Earthquakes Fan Stares Directly At Eclipse So They Have An Excuse To Not Watch T...

    San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Salvador Hernandez stated that he was pretty certain his extreme treatment worked as he stared directly at the eclipse without glasses of any kind so that he would have the excuse to not watch the rest of the season.
    “It’s nice to finally have an excuse to not be able to watch the team,” stated Hernandez to The Nutmeg News. “Before I was blinded by the Sun’s powerful rays I couldn’t stop myself from watching this shit show every week, but now I have an actual excuse...

  • 29 days

    "SCHMETZER OUT" Posts Furious Sounders Fan To Social Media As He Fumes Over Team...

    Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Brett Eastings reportedly posted “SCHMETZER OUT” to every single social media platform he had as he fumed and castigated the team for being unable to score six goals as they defeated the Montreal Impact, or Club De Foot Montreal...

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Updated: January 19, 2023
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