diary of a failed anorexic


"For reals. Say one more thing to me."
Remember way back in 1817 when Spain was like “oh hey, Jean Lafitte, remember how you pinkie promised that you would help us out if we looked the other way during all your pirate hijinks?” and Jean Lafitte was like “French people don’t pinkie promise...

There has been much talk (literally zero talk) among important circles (nope) about my hatred of clowns. Is hating clowns cliché? Of course it is. Am I claiming coulrophobia for attention? Shut up. That’s ridiculous. I wear shirts two sizes too small...

Remember back in 1782, when The French were all like “We are French! Let’s fight a lot” but it came out all “Nous sommes Français! Luttons beaucoup!”?
And Rousseau was like "Oh my gosh, guys. Let me tell you what this B said. We were like 'The peasants don't have any bread, Marie!' and she was like 'Well let those whiney bitches eat cake then! Being rich rules!'"? Except he lied about that part and...

Man. Remember in 1693 when all those ladies were acting suspiciously so we just said, "Hey. They're probably all witches. Why else would they want to wear shorts? We should probably just hang them." And then we hanged them? That was really the best way...